I Know Why the Hurt Child Harms

I’m done hearing about all the unmedicated crazies and the proliferation of guns and weapons.  These are not the problems.  Those things are problems, yes. They are correlated with our problems, yes. Yet, correlation, we know for sure, does not mean causation. The two are not equal.  The real problem is much more sticky and hard to address than others.  The real problem is that we teach violence intrinsically in every facet of our environ: in our educational system, our culture, our political processes, and our economic maneuverings. It is no surprise that we then create children, teens, and adults who act out violently, and sometimes terribly so.

Our educational system, as I’ve said before, is broken.  There is violence inherent in a system that places the authority of one arbitrary person over an entire group of children. One person decides when you go pee, when you get praise, when you get punishment, when you get shamed, and when you get rewards.  This person can be the best influence on you in really profound ways. Or, if this person is maladjusted, like so many are, they can be one of the most destructive.  There is no determining the outcome of this situation: it is just luck.

We’ve all felt this way, with one teacher or another

In other ways, our system is beholden to violence, as well. I’ve seen so many teachers stand aside and watch bullying happening. They say douchey things like, “boys will be boys” or, “they’re only joking!”  These people can not apparently remember what it was like to be “joked” at by a peer group. And this bullying itself is a response to being treated hierarchically.  This person is better than that person because this person is 14, not 13, and in grade 8, not grade 7.  We tell kids every day that they are not as good as someone else but that, when they are, when they are finally on top, they can use their power as horribly as others have been allowed to wield their own.  We literally teach violence from the earliest age and we sanction it every step of the way.

We’ve also felt like at least one of these people at some point in our upbringing.

Culturally, we are doing even worse.  Go and play Halo or Call of Duty. Even better, go smack a prostitute in Grand Theft Auto. Go and listen to Rhianna ask to have whips and chains used on her.  Go and pick a random TV show and count the number of times someone is harmed, physically or emotionally. I had to do that for an assignment once and it blew my mind. We sometimes fail to even notice violence because it is so saturated in our every waking moment. Our culture is rife with it.

I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I actually love video games, some of them violent, but this scares me.

I’m pretty sure all I have to do is go to one minute’s coverage of a political rally, advertisement, or protest before I hear someone describe what is going on in terms of violence.  Prime examples of violent metaphor applied to political situations that should not be violent in nature are plentiful. Some that I snatched from this blog (which says it way better than I do) are: putting your opponent in the “cross-hairs”, “targeting” an issue, “killing” a bill before it is “born”, and “advancing” on the opposition.  Political rhetoric is overflowing with these examples. I’m pretty sure this is not even the worst of it. And these are literally our leaders. They should be amongst our best role models. It’s disgusting.

When you top all of this off with an economic atmosphere that is just rancid, it is hard to see how anyone makes it to a well-adjusted disposition in life.  We talk about business in terms of “cut-throat” and “dog-eat-dog” and we say that we will “kill the competition” and “gut” the same.  We support a system in which fat-cat CEO’s can rape the earth, reap billions in profits, and then turn around and offer their employees shit for pay and no benefits, leaving them to often be homeless and dying, despite a full-time job and what is sometimes years of dedication. Then these same companies refuse to even support the country that supports them by paying fair taxes. We hold this up on a pedestal. We are saying to our kids, “It is good to destroy, to steal, to cause others to suffer for our own benefits.” It is repulsive.

How apt.

When they do not find appropriate venues and methods of sharing feelings and have no real role models who teach them about how to do this, what else are they supposed to do in times of trouble?  Do we pretend it is somehow abnormal or unlikely to experience depression or frustration? I doubt it! I think it is much more likely that most people have had more than enough hard times when they just don’t want to go on anymore, when they have felt like hurting someone, even for a moment, when they have fantasized about how simple it would be to literally take the easy way out.  The difference between most of us and those who blow things up or shoot people is that we have learned how to deal. We can see the error of our destructive thoughts and choose something more positive or, at the very least, more appropriate.

Just practicing and promoting a culture of support and love would be a good start.

I was lucky in my life to be surrounded by positive adults who helped me through some pretty dark times.  I didn’t even realize at the time how impactful their presence was on my formation of self, my ability to be strong in my sense of self, my ability to choose what I wanted for myself, and my ability to be resilient.  Those characteristics and understandings have made all the difference between me and someone who has committed suicide, mass murder, or some other atrocity.

If I hadn’t been thrown together with those specific people, had looked around me and saw all of this violence and lack of compassion, what would have been different in my life? I’m glad I don’t have to know. I wish no one had to.