“I failed you…”
Depleted, I give up;
Slumped, I rail in falling tears,
And now nothing can undo this:
That there is
Nothing to lift up.
Nothing to lift us out of this
Maelstrom
Inside.
Insipid, it resides
Like nothing.
In otherness I regard
What vision I once held
of saviors, of redemption
Of your prickly beard
Letting go of what ever
Was so hard…
I saw myself to hold your hand
(So small next to such a
big man)
Clutching at your heart
I thought I’d
Rekindle and restart
the love I knew still cindered,
Below such things as rent and work and chores.
Weren’t we kindred?
Couldn’t you throw me to the sky again?
Couldn’t we play instead?
Was it because I was a bore?
I could not keep your interest
even when ripped down to my fleshy core?
I could not make them
Prop you up and drag you through,
I could not make them care…
And so, I failed you,
And the echo still reverberates,
And it shook my soul out when you left,
And still my body and mind it hates,
and leaves me in
a darkness,
moldering.
A mustiness,
Bereft.
A tiny scrape of sound
whispers
“You failed me.”
almost too soft to hear
It pushes me away
I cannot stand too near
because the shadows threaten there…
But
maybe,
you failed me.
What could such a tiny hand do
Next to such a large man,
But be held and not hold,
Be shown and not told,
Be the center of a world
The prize, the gold?
Who should have protected who
when there were demons
left to slay?
How could I fight an army
of horror
locked up in your mind
when I couldn’t
reach the key
that you couldn’t even find?
And I cannot even
pound on your chest
and scream in your darkened face
and show you my pain,
Because
you failed me
and you left me in this space
of constant rain-
Excoriated. Emptied.
Gone
without a trace.
Who failed you?
And let you fight and kill and maim and harm
in a jungle full of danger
with a needle in your arm?
Who failed you?
And let you be used for target practice
because you were shiny and red,
then placed a bottle in your hand
with a smoke
until you were dead?
Who failed you
so thoroughly that you believed
there was nothing left to save,
with such conviction that you hurried to find
yourself an early grave?
I failed you
when I forgot, your size was not the way,
to understand how old you were,
Or what you couldn’t say.
I failed you when I thought I knew
What you had to give…
When I could have tried,
to understand
You’d never learned to live.
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