It is what you came here for
Yesterday, I felt like giving up on life completely and returning home, beyond material reality. Today, I am super proud of myself. Both days included pain and trauma, but today I grew instead of shrank. It is ok to shrink, but growth comes inevitably, if we choose to stay here.
One of my somatic triggers is cracking, breaking, or ripping nails. It is related to being tortured by the dentist as a child because that life experience is related to a past life in which I was the torturer and, lo and behold, one of my main tactics had been to rip out the nails of my victims. I know, it is horrible. Trust me when I say I think the worst part was experiencing that life from this current life’s point of view of deeply empathic compassion. Ouch. This is why broken or chipped nails can send me into a flashback at worst and a very emotionally reactive state at best.
This morning, while feeding our lady hens, I picked up the brick that keeps their lid on the food tub and it slipped out of my grasp. This happens more and more as Hashimoto’s destroys my dexterity, so I am no longer surprised when I drop nearly everything. My thumb hurt sharply, but I thought it was just because it is literally freezing outside and I wasn’t wearing gloves. When I returned inside and was washing my hands, however, I saw that I had ripped off nearly the whole top half of my thumb nail.
In the microsecond that stretched out in that realization, I very clearly stood back from myself and had a clear conversation with my Higher Self. It went like this, “you can continue dissociating and lose your shit, or you can come back in and sit with this and notice that everything is still ok and that you’re safe.”
Stunned at the clarity of the pause, the space between this realization and my Higher Consciousness, and the message itself, I made a conscious decision to stay.
I’ve never done this before.
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a helluva life-ravager and I am beyond exceptionally proud of myself for this moment of reactive, habitual dissociation leading not into further dissociation, but instead leading to increased presence.
I literally went into every part of my body, after this choice, and released tension from the realization that my thumb nail was ripped in half and just kept saying to each part of my body, “my nail is ripped and I’m ok, it is ok.” And, in moments, it actually was OK. I took some deep, clearing breaths and then I super-glued the nail together. I’m not so sure about the super glue part, but the rest was fucking stellar. It is possible to heal from CPTSD. I don’t care what anyone says about it. We are capable of anything.
Here’s what the Spiritual Ancestors have to say about it:
“When you move into presence instead of refusal of reality, you bring scattered aspects of yourself back together into a cohesive whole. The more often you choose this, the easier it will be to bring back even more distantly scattered aspects of your Being.
In truth, most of you here on Earth at this point are exceptionally scattered across time and space, with a sort of amnesia, as the result of this dissociative refusal of Self. If you can look at your history and ancestral memory as what remains of this thread of Self, you can more clearly understand this place and its function in the larger sphere of Universal Consciousness…
<< Continue Reading on Substack >>
Comments are closed